


Lamentful Nightmare

by vampiricrose



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nonverbal Communication, Not Beta Read, Ritsu Overthinks And Fucking Dies, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, only one piecee of dialogue in this entire thing lol, rei is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23705458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampiricrose/pseuds/vampiricrose
Summary: The day was hard, but he can’t pinpoint what made it a hard day. It was as if he had woken up and immediately knew the day was going to be bad, and now he’s stuck in that ‘bad-day’ mindset when being unable to see whatever caused it.
Relationships: Isara Mao/Sakuma Ritsu
Comments: 4
Kudos: 60





	Lamentful Nightmare

**Author's Note:**

> whatsup im back with my pain  
> 3 ppl told me to not write angst and im writing it anywayzzzz

It’s quiet.   
Ritsu’s on the roof of his house, laying on his back and ignoring the ache from his back disliking the shape of the tiles digging into him. It’s not as if he dislikes it, if anything, it makes him feel  _ something _ .    
The day was hard, but he can’t pinpoint what made it a hard day. It was as if he had woken up and immediately knew the day was going to be bad, and now he’s stuck in that ‘bad-day’ mindset when being unable to see whatever caused it.   
  
The moon is pretty tonight. The stars are, too.    
He glances away from the sky, and his eyes fall to the floor.. Sometimes he wonders what’ll happen if he slips - is the height enough to kill him? He doesn’t plan on finding out.   
But, something inside of him enjoys that he has the choice to do so.    
  
Even if he did fall, he thinks, he’ll get found. If he were to die, he doesn’t want his body to be found quickly. An unsolved death - he thinks that would be an interesting way to die.    
  
Does he want to die, though? That’s a question Ritsu asks himself far too frequently. He wants to escape; he wants to stop existing for just a while, but he’s afraid of that permanent decision. Something he can’t just hide from if he regrets doing it.   
  
Plus, he thinks he’d be lonely. Living as a ghost sounds sad - watching your friends slowly move on from you and forget you. He wonders if he’ll even be remembered after a few years. Maybe he would, but he doesn’t want to test it. It’s scary to be uncertain about these things.    
  
Would Maakun miss him? He complains about having to take care of him - saying Ritsu needs to learn how to be independent. A small part of Ritsu doubts Mao truly wants Ritsu to be unreliant on him, but the fact remains that Mao has told him that before that he needs to learn how to live by himself. Would he really be a burden if he was dead?    
  
Would Anija miss him? Ritsu’s awful to him, telling him he wants him to die. Maybe he would, if Rei’s put up with his bullshit for so long, but he also wonders if Rei would feel a sense of relief at him finally being gone. He doesn’t understand how Rei can deal with living with someone who chastises him over everything. It’d probably make him happier if he was gone.   
  
Thinking of it like that, isn’t it selfish for Ritsu to stay alive after all of this? If his thoughts are true, being simply a burden to everyone around him, isn’t it selfish of him to stay around? Perhaps it would genuinely be better for him to go.    
  
But something’s stopping him from doing it.    
  
He sits up, far too fast and his head spins momentarily. It reminds him of back when the iron in his blood was even lower then it is now - just sitting up too quickly would make his knees buckle and make him fall to the ground. Sleep; he needs to sleep, before he drowns in his thoughts further and does something stupid.   
  
Sliding down the roof, he catches himself on the edge. He could just move his hands forward a little, and…   
  
Mao’s light is still on. Ritsu’s surprised - it’s late, surely… How come he’s awake? Does he still have a lot of work to do? Maybe. He wouldn’t be surprised.    
Ritsu’s tempted to sneak in, wrap his arms around Mao from behind and lay like that for a while, but the thoughts from earlier of just being a burden wraps thorns around his lungs, and he  _ really _ can’t even fathom the thought of what would happen if Mao were to get mad at him, or--   
  
No, he’s not gonna have a panic attack  _ on the edge of a roof _ . That would quite literally kill him.    
Regardless, he does truly want to see Mao, even though everything in his body fights against it.    
  
Ritsu stumbles down, ignoring the bruises forming on his hands and arms from holding on  _ far _ too tightly onto the ledge, tapping on Mao’s window. He normally pushes the window open from the outside, and waltzes in by himself. But suddenly, he doesn’t want to do that. He wants Mao to open it, and let him in by holding his hand.   
  
Mao opens it, and gestures Ritsu to crawl in. He looks worried, sliding back down onto a chair next to his desk which is piled high with paperwork. Guilt twists in Ritsu’s chest at that - Mao’s working hard already, and now he has to deal with Ritsu’s bullshit? Maybe he should just leave. Mao twists on his chair to face Ritsu better, and his eyes narrow at the darkening marks on his hands.    
  
Ritsu’s breath hitches as Mao takes his hands in his own, gently asking what happened and sitting him down on the bed. It’s hard to speak, Ritsu realises. It feels like if he opens his mouth all his worries and thoughts would sputter out of him without thinking, and tears would overflow until he drowns in it. So, he stays quiet, looking at his hands while Mao squeezes them tighter for a moment.   
  
“Are you okay?” Mao murmurs, voice gentle while Ritsu’s bottom lip quivers. Again, he doesn’t respond. He doesn’t really know if he  _ can _ , and he doesn’t want to look pathetic while crying in front of Mao. The worry in Mao’s stomach bubbles further at Ritsu’s silence, and Ritsu wonders why Mao isn’t mad at him.   
  
Yeah… Why is Mao not mad at him? Mad at his silence, mad at his intrusion, mad at him for not giving him time alone…    
Ritsu knows he’d be mad at himself, but Mao is so gentle with Ritsu in a way that makes him forget everything else and focus on nothing but him, that it makes Ritsu wonder why Mao is so kind with him.   
  
Going against what he wanted, Ritsu hunches over suddenly, choking out a sob. Mao fights back the urge to flinch, moving his arms to wrap around Ritsu’s sides. It’s not as if Ritsu likes crying, no, he doesn’t think anyone enjoys choking on your own tears, but he especially hates it right now.

  
But Mao is still so damn kind with him, moving his arm to rub circles on Ritsu’s back and whispering sweet nothings to him as his hiccups and sobs quieten down. He doesn’t know how long it takes for him to catch his breath again, and he’s unsure if he even wants to know, because his throat is hoarse and his eyelids are heavy. It must’ve taken far too long for him to let it out.   
  
Even though he’s stopped crying, he doesn’t want to move out of Mao’s hold. It’s warm, and full of unconditional love he doesn’t think he deserves but will take anyway. Mao drags him down to lay down on his bed, holding him tight all the while. They’re still in their uniforms, so they’re gonna wake up with some  _ awful _ red marks on their skin, but they lay like that.    
  
Maybe they fall asleep; maybe they stay awake. It doesn’t really matter, truth be told.

**Author's Note:**

> thanku for reading... i spent 8 hrs writing this and im not very satisfied w it bc i wanted it to go to a more... sombre feeling? but i cannot write. so. yes. hello!!!
> 
> stay safe 'n' stay at home..


End file.
